Second Thoughts (a microstory)

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Their first hand-in-hand stroll through Hyde Park signaled the beginning of a relationship that ended with a slap to Henry’s face. The diamond ring that donned Charlotte’s finger left a bloodied scratch on his cheek.

Years later, holding the jewelry inside her palm, she wondered. Should she have forgiven him?


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About Donna-Louise Bishop

I'm a writer, freelance reporter, creative writing tutor, and blogger, living in the beautiful county of Norfolk UK. In my spare time I am also a wife, a mother to three boys, and a human washing machine.
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18 Responses to Second Thoughts (a microstory)

  1. Cicilia Ve says:

    Awesome and well-written! But I think the time jumping a little bit too much. Because for me, it’s​better to write in one range of time set.
    Luckily, it’s only my opinion. Generally, it’s great microprose

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thanks for that feedback! I did question the time-jumping myself when I wrote it. I thought I’d take a gamble though 😉

  2. Clearly not… nicely written! I like how you spanned an entire relationship with the first line!!

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thank you! I wasn’t sure if it would work or not for a micro. Your feedback is encouraging 🙂

  3. saroful says:

    Do you mean “adorned” rather than “donned”? Because right now you’ve got the ring wearing her finger. I like the symmetry of the story, but like some others here I think you might have bitten off a few too many concepts for 50 words (also it’s odd that she kept the engagement ring? And was wearing it with the stone on the inside? Or maybe she socked him rather than slapping him?)

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Yes! I do mean adorned – gah. I personally don’t find it difficult to believe she kept the ring all this time. People hold on to sillier things for the smallest of reasons. As for how to scratch got there, I just imagined it got twisted in the break-up ordeal – although I can see how there isn’t enough in my description to make that clear. Socking him would work just as well as a cliched slap though! Thanks for your helpful feedback.

  4. Kalpana Solsi says:

    The time period right from holding hands to the present is well articulated in fifty words. Maybe she should have forgiven him

    http://ideasolsi65.blogspot.in/2017/06/hand.html?m=1

  5. Asha Rajan says:

    The time jumps worked quite well for me. There was a progression from the beginning of the relationship through to her reflecting on it years later. As others have mentioned, you may have squeezed too many threads into the narrow word limit. The adorned/donned confusion threw me too. It would be nice to see a reworked version of this (maybe in the weekend showcase?).

  6. I agree with Asha! The time jump was natural to me. I think it worked well. Just that little verb change would make a big difference.

  7. sanchwrites says:

    I liked how you managed to capture the relationship in one line. As mentioned before, the ‘donned’ threw me for a second but I just figured you meant adorned and took it as that. The end of relationships is usually sad and I think we often wonder about the ‘could-have-beens’. Nicely done!

  8. I wasn’t bothered by the time jump. In fact, I thought, “Wow. She managed to tell the story of a relationship in two sentences.” But it seems like a 50/50 split so… What if you broke it up into two paragraphs? Or, (this may be crazy), write it a bit bigger…add what you feel is missing without worrying about word count, and then go to that and edit like heck? That said, I give it two thumbs up. Great work!

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thank you! I am definitely going to have a play and post on the weekend grid for Yeah Write.

  9. ..forgiveness wont bring life back as it was…moving on might do; not sure as well.

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