The thing that comes back to haunt me

padlock-597495_1920 (2)

*Content warning: This article is about childhood sexual abuse following online grooming. I’m sharing this as I’m currently struggling with a few things and hope I can find some solace in the community I unwillingly found myself in many years ago.


I feel stuck tonight. Trapped in my own negative thoughts. What should have been just a stupid argument has spiralled and sent me tumbling through the rabbit hole into a place I haven’t been for a long while.

“Do you mind if I stay out? It’s just we are having a giggle over at ****’s tonight.”

We had already made plans together.

“Raincheck?”

He’s an arsehole. I told him so too.

That should have been the end of it. An early night for me, a couple of hours being pissed off with him, and then making up after he rolled in at stupid-o-clock in the morning. Thirty-six hours later and I’m still angry. Emotional. Raw. But it’s not directed at him anymore. My heart and my head is desperate to be okay again. It’s the things in my past, the things which happened before I even met my husband, which I cannot forget right now.

Our plans for that evening hadn’t been anything exciting. Just snuggling on the TV to watch our favourite programme before having an early night to make love, a rare occurrence these days what with him working shifts and us having three boys under five years old.

I feel my mind starting to do that crazy thing it does sometimes. It overreacts in ways which aren’t normal. Yes I was angry he wanted to spend time with his mate that night instead of me but it’s actually so much more than that. It’s the rejection of sex I am not coping with.

After desperately fighting much-needed sleep last night I realised I was no longer pissed off with my husband. He had been an idiot. He admitted it. Said sorry. And has been genuinely more than lovely ever since. It’s me that’s the problem now.

I have gone to this dark place of solitude that us survivors sometimes go to. Here my medal is stripped from me and instead I become the victim again; feeling like I survived nothing.

As the hands of the clock ticked over into a new day I realised I wasn’t angry at my husband anymore. I was angry with myself for letting that closed box in my head tip over and spill its contents out once again. Groomed by an internet predator, I learnt too young about the power of sex. I was made to believe sex equates to love. So when my husband wanted to abandon our plans, he rejected me in ways he can’t understand unless I explain it to him. But who would want to risk seeing the pity in his eyes? Not me.

Seven years I went without a flashback. Seven fantastic years. Now my thoughts are being held hostage back in that cottage. His cottage.

I don’t like where my mind has gone. This time I am a mother. I have a house to look after. Work to do. I can’t crumble now. Not when life was just getting secure again. Or maybe that’s exactly what I need to do. Maybe I should have done it a long time ago. Allowed the wall around me to fall and give myself time to build it up again around the people I love too.

I don’t want to sit on my own in my pajamas again, curled up with my arms around myself and staring at the wall, for another night. So today I will go for a walk with my boys, put some washing on, and do some writing. I will force myself to live my life the way I want to, not the way the intrusive thoughts would see me live it. Most of all though, I will try and be kind to myself and hope for some positivity to flood my notifications.

Advertisements

About Donna-Louise Bishop

I'm a writer, freelance reporter, creative writing tutor, and blogger, living in the beautiful county of Norfolk UK. In my spare time I am also a wife, a mother to three boys, and a human washing machine.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The thing that comes back to haunt me

  1. A ‘like’ isn’t enough, Donna. I value your words and your strength in being able to write them. You’re right not to sit on these feelings – write them out, speak them, make it known why you feel as you do. No one can guess what goes on inside another person though we try and sometimes think we understand. I hope the writing and the talking will help. Be close to those who love you, the ones you can trust. Love Maria xxx

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thank you so so so much for your comments Maria. I was feeling massive anxiety about posting this but needed to share it so badly. Trying to find the strength to talk about this and help others is an important thing for me at the moment so I guess this is another chapter in that journey x

  2. congratulations on recognising the source of the anger and being brave enough to allow your blogging community in to your inner pain. I can’t begin to imagine having not suffered in that way myself; but i recognise strength and bravery when i see it x

  3. Donna-Louise, I feel your pain in this, but also admire your strength in sharing. There is too much pain in the world and too many who have suffered and felt alone. Your words may bring comfort to many.

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thank you. I’m feeling a little better since writing this but I hope it will help others to realise it’s okay to not be okay sometimes and that they are never really alone even though they may feel like it. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Thank you x

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry for what happened to you and applaud your strength in acknowledging what you’re going through in a way that can help others.

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      That was one of the aims of writing and sharing this piece so I’m really glad it worked for you on that level. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

  5. Ram Murali says:

    Donna-Louise, thank you for sharing your pain, your strength and your steely resolve. You raise a very important point about being kind to oneself. Adam Grant, in OPTION B, writes about the concept of self love. It is so vitally important yet overlooked at times.
    Fantastic, stirring writing.

  6. Stacie says:

    I’m so sorry Donna-Louise. I believe you.

    • Donna-Louise Bishop says:

      Thanks for taking the time to read Stacie. It feels good – albeit terrifying – to share. I hope it helps others in some small way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s